Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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