Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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