Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
