if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
