I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
