The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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