You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My life is pants optional.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
