So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
