when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
