it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
