My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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