I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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