I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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