I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
