finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
