I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
