my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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