I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't deserve a penis
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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