next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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