I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
