Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
