why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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