What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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