Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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