dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
