Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I currently don't understand fingers.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
