you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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