my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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