i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
