just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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