So drunk its hurt
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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