I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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