sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
