the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
