Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
