Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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