Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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