I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
