there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
