I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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