My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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