I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Randomize
