Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
