All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I cannot find my penis.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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