We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
