I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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