a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
