Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
