Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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