I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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