did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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