never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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