the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The dick lei will go down in squad history
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize