just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
