we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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