Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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