You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
