there's paper in my vomit.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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