Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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